I’m OK

I won’t talk to you about us
I’m not yet ready for the pain
I won’t force you to speak up
I will save you from all this fuss

I won’t ask where you’ve been
So you won’t have to lie
I won’t ask you if you found someone new
So you won’t have to deny

To all deceits I won’t give a damn
So you can have it your way
When people ask you how I am
You just tell them I’m OK

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Broken…..

I had the most colorful world when you came. I had the brightest rainbow anyone has ever seen. The brightest ray of sunshine no one could ever imagine belongs to me. Rain drops that I have learned to trust and love can freely dance on my cheeks, without the hesitation that they will betray me. The wind that blows and makes my hair sway uplifts my spirit. Everything was surreal. Sublime. That’s just what I thought.

I never took the courage to face the truth that you were my blue crayon. You’ll never be enough to color my skies. I fooled myself that I can hold on to your beauty. I was blinded by the truth that the rain will always hurt me – kill me!

When reality hit it hits hard. Now as I drown in my own tears, you’re nowhere to be found. I guess this time hope is not enough to hold on to to lessen the pain. I thought I can stand tall at all times. I grew tired. I’m wanting for a reason to come so I can still hold on until I’m old and wrinkly. I LIED and I’m broken.

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I want you

I will choose you on the days that we do not understand each other
I will choose you on the days that we do not agree with each other
I will choose you even if sometimes we can’t give the needs of each other
I will choose you even if we forget our promises to each other
and even how rough the road may seem, I will still choose to love you. Because our love taught me, taught me that love isn’t just a feeling, but a decision. A decision that I won’t ever regret. A decision that did not disappoint me to be happy with you even from the start. And with all the decisions I have made with my life, for as long as I can, as long as I can be tougher and braver for you, I’ll stand up for you for the rest of my life. I love you so much. I am ready to hope everyday, that you and I, no matter how long it will take, or hard, or no matter how painful, I will never ever leave your side. I love you…..

The Last Heartbreak

Birds chirping, kids playing at the side of the streets – yelling. Cars driving by as if everyone is in a race. Then pause, a moment of silence, but I still hear a noise. A noise that follows me wherever I go. It’s bothering me, I kept looking where it comes from. I want it to end. With the noise is this heavy feeling that also took away my smile. I looked down. Saw my heart beating. But this time this is not a happy beat. This is a beat that conquered my whole being with sadness – darkness. Distance is the enemy of non believer, so is time. Just when I thought I am starting to love the rain. As cliche as it may sound, but I am now picking up the pieces of my life that was shattered when my favorite love story ended. It’s time to roll down the curtain, together with the tears that rolls down my cheek. Just when I thought I could again be carefree. Just when I thought I could soar up above the skies with you. False hope – everything died in just a snap of a finger. It’s over. I died, too.

 

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​Morning Sun. Evening Stars.

Every night before I fall asleep, I look at the moon and stars from the heavens above. Always in awe on how they can light up even the darkest night. Watching the stars take away my anxiety, the weariness. They make me calm, soothes me. More than enough reason to be thankful that I made it through the day and I had the chance to see the night sky. The night sky that probably you’re staring at as well whenever you feel like it. All the more reason to hang tight on my dreams.

In the morning when I wake up, I see the sun peeking through my window pane. As if it’s telling me how good the morning is and to get up to start a new day. This is another chance to right the wrongs I’ve made the past mornings. Another day to meet new people and forget the ones who’s not worthy to be remembered. A clean slate wherein I can write a new story, this time without the smudged ink because I was crying.

I was crying because I was hurt. I almost died. Almost not able to see the beauty of morning, and the glam of the night. Those moments I wished I was six feet under the ground because the pain won’t stop. Everything seems senseless. These were the low point of my life wherein the morning sun and evening stars doesn’t make any difference at all. It was all blank. All gone. I seemed too far away from the life I’ve dreamed of having, and to the person I imagined my eternity with.
I gave up….. I needed to. Because I’m losing the person that I am. Your last words: Goodbye
Took me forever to pick up the pieces of me and get back on my feet, but I’m alive.

Promise of the Heart

I can feel the gentle breeze of the wind blowing on my face
And the tree from my yard is dancing with all its grace
The eagles are soaring so high in the sky
Without the fear that they will fall in a blink of an eye

When they fall, they’ll have a broken wing but not a broken heart
Along the way they’ll find a companion and they will never be apart
Together they will set off in the highest of heavens
With the promise of love without a streak of sixes and sevens

Be like an eagle who is not afraid to soar above
Hold my hand and do not be afraid to love
Don’t let go and my promise you can keep
It’s you and only until I fall asleep

Distance and Love

Love is always happy when it’s new. You like the chase. It is exciting. You feel like you are Lois Lane that found your own Superman. You compliment each other. You complete each other’s sentences. The good morning and good night texts are always present. Plus the neverending exchange of I love yous. You can’t even hang up the phone when you talk. It is hard to let go. You don’t mind the distance, because it’s more painful when you don’t have him in your life. It’s just…..happy.

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Along the way you’ll discover something new about each other. Good and bad. And then you made a mistake. His trust for you has been broken. Yes you try to work things out, but the warmth has fade. It could have been easier if you are together. You could have expressed yourself more if you are face to face. But that’s not the case. Distance becomes your greatest enemy. I am losing my mind. Maybe I am doing it wrong. It’s not really my call if this is over. The choice is not mine whether to leave or to stay. It’s all up to him now.

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To be in a relationship is not a cakewalk. You have to work on it every single day. Relationship is a two way street. You can’t be the only one in a relationship. Love sometimes is not enough reason to stay. You must know when enough is enough. Sometimes you fight because you know that it is something that is worth fighting for. You don’t want to give up because everytime you try, you remember the reason why you held on in the first place. You love him. Giving up doesn’t mean that you are weak. It just means that you are strong enough to let go.

Painkiller For The Heart

Eyes are swollen. Been crying all day. Pain is all over my face. Can’t hide it. Fake smile is not working. I need to put on a mask. I want to cover up the pain. Nobody needs to know that I am hurting very bad. Self inflicted pain that I can no longer bear.

When my head hurts, I take my pain killer and sleep it off. Then the next morning when I wake up, I feel all better. But what if, the heart is aching? Is there any amount of pain killer that can take away the pain? If there is I’d take them all. Now. But there isn’t. As the famous line in the famous movie Fault In Our Stars go: “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”

 

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Forcing yourself to let go will only make you bitter. To overcome pain is to let yourself endure it. Let time heal you and bring you back to what was. Be patient and let things fall into its place.

I am lucky I can still feel the pain. This means that I am still alive and still have the chance to make things right. Now I know that pain killer is not what my aching heart needs – TIME.

Scar of The Past

How do I unlove you? How do you unlove a person that has been a major part of your happiness? Of your life? Is there such thing as unloving someone? We all do fall in love. If you are lucky enough, you’ll find your person at the right time, at the right place. The timing is perfect. Then as the saying that we all hear when we were little goes, “and they lived happily ever after.” Just like that. Envy of others huh?

For some, they have to go through hell and high waters to find the one. The person whom they will spend the rest of their lives with.

Rainy day today, just like the day I met you. “I don’t like the rain” I said, but you said it’s alright. Because after the rain, there will always be rainbow. I looked at you and said “I’m scared of the thunder, too”, you held my hand. I felt safe. I want to feel safe everyday thereafter. So I longed for you and you were there. I thought it is going to be as simple as that, I have you and you have me. I found a reason to wake up every morning. I am excited to go home because I know I’d find you waiting for me. Ready and willing to listen to the things I’ve gone through the whole day. We laugh together. You held my hand so I won’t feel alone. When I am with you, there is this feeling that I can’t explain. A heavenly feeling. It is so heavenly that I am willing to drop everything for you. I will do anything to make this last. To make “us” last. I hoped it won’t end. “This is love.” Well atleast that’s what I thought.

Until one day you decided to bid goodbye. You found someone else that can make you happier than you are today. How selfish can you get? You left me devastated. Wounded. Wondering if I can ever pick up the pieces of myself that was shattered when you left. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be capable of loving someone again? You sucked all the best in me. Were you even mine to begin with? I can’t breathe. I died. I died inside. I took each day one at a time, to heal, to try to live again.

With a guarded heart, I tried to flip another chapter of my life. This made me the tough person I am now. This time I am wiser, braver, stronger, fiercer.

Francis Scott Fitzgerald once said, and let me quote “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.” Relationships come in many different forms, and you will never have the same love with one partner as you have with the next. You may love them less, or sometimes even more. -I want to love even more.

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I carry the scars of the past as a reminder of what I’ve been through. I have to meet the wrong people, to appreciate the right one that will come along. I am scarred, the past is real, but I survived.

Letter to my son

Fifteen years ago on Sunday, November 19, 2000 at 10:30 in the morning, I became a mom for the first time. (And probably the last time. LOL!) You did not let me experience the labor pains, that’s how good you are even if you are still inside my tummy. You are 2 weeks earlier than I expected, you must be so very excited to see the world. You taught me so much in the first hour of your life and it was then I knew how blessed I truly was to have been chosen as your mom.

You arrived just 3 months after my 18th birthday and not one time did I think I could not fulfill my position as your mom. I never thought that I am capable of loving someone this much until you came. I have grown into a strong woman. You have made me stronger during my weakest moments and you made me the happiest during those saddest time in my life.

Watching you sleep when you were little and holding your hand made me feel protected as we grew together. There is this indescribable feeling whenever I hear your giggle and laughter. You made me keep going, that is why I was able to take every step that I need to take. You made me fight for life when I thought there’s nothing more to fight for.

I know having been born to a young mom didn’t make the situation easier. We had our own shares of misunderstandings and arguments. There will be more of it. But please always bear in mind that all I have ever done was always to benefit you and to give you all that you deserve and desire in life.

Time flies, you are now 15 years old – you’ve grown into a young man I’ve always wanted you to be. Please remember that there are still so much more ahead that you will learn and grow from. You will be forevermore my Pochoychoy. Iloveyou more than I will be able to describe.

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