The girl with a broken heart

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Full moon. Cold night. Dark Room. Bruised heart. These are all I’ve got when I learned you are with someone now. It’s funny how you love a person now and then treat them as if they are non-existent on the next day.
I shouldn’t have let you go in retrospect. Now I’m half alive. A dead man walking. Begging for a little bit of your time and trying to be contented on whatever there is that you can give. Pathetic, yes. A part of me does not want to give up. No, not just yet.

I used to be a warrior but I am now the weakest. I have forgotten to forget you. My love for you is resilient. But my heart is screaming inside. I want to heal. Should I rip my heart open to stop this excruciating pain? The pain that succumbs my whole being. It hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much. Make it stop. I wanted to be numb of all these drama. I am hoping for the night to come that I dream of you, to finally say it’s over. I wanna soar high above again, carefree. But until now I am waiting for the goodnight texts that will never come. Tell me, HOW DO I UNLOVE YOU? …..

A Letter For the New Girl

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Dear New Girl,

It’s been a year and a month since we called it quits. We used to talk everyday even after we parted ways. Until that everyday became once a week, then nothing.
And I don’t know for how long you have been together.
But with all that aside, if he’s anything like he was at the beginning of our relationship, then I just want to say how lucky you are. It’s so hard to be a part of his world, but you made it.

You can tell him everything, everything under the sun. He’ll laugh at your jokes even at the corniest ones.
With him, you will always feel secure and feel that in this life, you have an ally. I hope you take care of him.
Take care of him the way I wasn’t able to because I am miles away.

Sometimes, you’ll feel you are dealing with a three-year old kid. He has this certain stubbornness that you don’t imagine ever exist. You are going to notice how he gets excited like a child when it comes to certain things, like Deftones, Jake and Finn, video games and most especially, hockey.

He has a temper, as I’m sure you have noticed, so don’t take it personally. When he storms off, let him go and trust he’ll always come back with a smile.

He has bigger dreams than he is confident enough to believe in, so it’s your job to tell him every day how handsome he is and how smart he is and that he is capable of it all. He won’t believe you, but don’t stop saying it.

I can’t tell you every secret because it took me time to figure that out myself. But just trust that there are reasons he doesn’t say what you want him to, and there are reasons he doesn’t do what you want.

He may not talk about me to you; he didn’t talk to his friends about it when it ended, so I don’t know if they will know either.

Please love him with all of your heart. You are his future now.

Hold on to him as hard as you can. I hope your love is enough. I hope that your all, becomes his all.
All my love,

His first love

The Last day of September

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It’s the last day of September. It’s the typhoon season in this part of the world.
The season that I dread the most. I don’t know, feels like the rain makes me want to cry.
It’s the last day of September when I knew, that people from the other side of the world, as far as 8,207 miles away, can hurt you as much as the ones in front of you. FACT.

This is not a lie.
It’s the last day of September. The day I decided that this is the day for assholes.
It’s the last day of September. This means welcoming new beginnings and starting anew.
It’s the last day of September. Time to end all my illusions that that people I knew will stay with me forever. Until I’m old and wrinkly.
It’s the last day of September. Forgetting and letting go of all the things that have hurt me, broke me.
It’s the last day of September. Bidding goodbye and farewell to all that I need to leave behind so I could move on. Move forward and never look back.
It’s the last day of September. Time to throw away the people who took me for granted. They don’t deserve a spot in my life anyway. Note to self: Hey girl, get back on track.
It’s the last day of September. Time to heal a heart that has been broken. Rejoice, at least I’m alive.
I’ll skip the last day of September from hereon and pretend this day does not exist.
It’s the last day of September. I will not let my guard down. Never again.
It’s the last day of September. I want to forget everything that happened today. YOU never happened.

I will heal. But, I don’t want to remember the last day of September ever again.

JANINA KATHRINE

This is a poem that was made for me who was then a very special boy. I still remember every words by heart. Thank you for this. Thank you for making me feel special and wanted.

 

Just the sight of your pretty face
And the warmth of your embrace
Never a day without thinking of you
In my hear and mind, I’ll always be true
Nothing can make me forget you
Always longing to be close to you

Keeping you in the bottom of my heart
Always confused I don’t know where to start
Talking on the phone we sometimes do
Hearing you say you’ll always be true
Right here next to you I’ll always be
In my arms you’ll never be
Not minding what other people say
Ever if you weep, I’ll always stay

2 Weddings and a Funeral

These past few weeks have been quite a journey. A roller coaster of emotions, all overwhelming.

June 24, 5 out of 7 siblings and half of the population of our niblings, sons and daughters were joined together to witness the wedding of our eldest nephew and to which was held in Cebu. The feeling of happiness and eagerness is higher than the clouds that our airplane touched when we took off as we welcome the newest member of our family. Every second of every minute counts as we reminisce our happy childhood days. Teasing each other how everyone changed and how some gained too much weight. This lasted for 4 days and 3 nights. We’re happy like that.

June 27, when we landed in Manila, we attended the funeral of my son’s grandfather. Who died when we landed in Cebu. This is the grandfather who took care of my son since he is a day old up until he’s 18. The tables have turned, as happy as my son is to meet his other side of the family, he came back to a grandfatherless home. This broke his heart. And I am breaking for him, too. But death is inevitable and acceptance is the bitter pill that you have to swallow to lessen the pain and keep moving on. Anak, lolo taught you to be brave -be brave for lola.

Next week, July 5, we will be witnessing the union of my brother and his long time partner. Another reason to celebrate and believe that true love exists. We’ve all been waiting for this moment to come and finally it’s about to come true. In a matter of days, the event that everyone of us prayed for will finally happen and we get to witness it right before our very eyes.

We’ve been happy. We’ve been sad. Our hormones got mixed up. We’ve encountered bits of bumps on the road before we fly back to Manila. One hell of a ride, this is TRUE!

But all of these are no match to us. We don’t give a damn. Nothing can bring us down. Ask why? Because….. WE ARE THE SANTOSES

Para sa naduwag sa Pag-Ibig

Saan ka ba nanggaling?
bakit ang tagal mong dumating
yung likod ko sa kama nakadikit
pero di pa din magawa ng mata ko pumikit

Sabi mo saglit ka lang mawawala
na wala akong dapat ipag alala
sabi mo babalik ka din naman kaagad
hindi ka ba napapagod kakalakad

Nakakapagod naman mag antay
bakit di ka nalang tuluyang nag babay
puede ko naman tanggapin kahit paunti unti
wag naman ganito para akong naka bigti

Akala ko okay yun pala sablay
sumuko na na pala wala akong malay
‘di na ko magpapakahibang
kase ang forever para lang sa matatapang

I’m OK

I won’t talk to you about us
I’m not yet ready for the pain
I won’t force you to speak up
I will save you from all this fuss

I won’t ask where you’ve been
So you won’t have to lie
I won’t ask you if you found someone new
So you won’t have to deny

To all deceits I won’t give a damn
So you can have it your way
When people ask you how I am
You just tell them I’m OK

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Broken…..

I had the most colorful world when you came. I had the brightest rainbow anyone has ever seen. The brightest ray of sunshine no one could ever imagine belongs to me. Rain drops that I have learned to trust and love can freely dance on my cheeks, without the hesitation that they will betray me. The wind that blows and makes my hair sway uplifts my spirit. Everything was surreal. Sublime. That’s just what I thought.

I never took the courage to face the truth that you were my blue crayon. You’ll never be enough to color my skies. I fooled myself that I can hold on to your beauty. I was blinded by the truth that the rain will always hurt me – kill me!

When reality hit it hits hard. Now as I drown in my own tears, you’re nowhere to be found. I guess this time hope is not enough to hold on to to lessen the pain. I thought I can stand tall at all times. I grew tired. I’m wanting for a reason to come so I can still hold on until I’m old and wrinkly. I LIED and I’m broken.

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I want you

I will choose you on the days that we do not understand each other
I will choose you on the days that we do not agree with each other
I will choose you even if sometimes we can’t give the needs of each other
I will choose you even if we forget our promises to each other
and even how rough the road may seem, I will still choose to love you. Because our love taught me, taught me that love isn’t just a feeling, but a decision. A decision that I won’t ever regret. A decision that did not disappoint me to be happy with you even from the start. And with all the decisions I have made with my life, for as long as I can, as long as I can be tougher and braver for you, I’ll stand up for you for the rest of my life. I love you so much. I am ready to hope everyday, that you and I, no matter how long it will take, or hard, or no matter how painful, I will never ever leave your side. I love you…..